Sometimes it just takes a few perfect strangers to have faith
in you to completely turn your hellacious week around. While walking in the
park, working with six dogs get you a lot of attention from European tourists.
Dog-walkers aren't something they are especially accustomed to seeing so they
might want your picture, they might ask if they're all yours, or they’ll
probably just quietly giggle and point to their favorite pup. But sometimes, if
you're lucky, they will care about you and not just the dogs.
I had a couple not only ask why I'm in New York but after I told them I
was attending NYU they went further to ask me what I was studying. When I told
them acting they were overjoyed- this is a reaction I'm not used to seeing when
I state that I'm a theatre major. They were grinning and squealing about what
exciting of a life I am going to live and how they must get my autograph before
I become rich and famous- it was kind of a silly situation but it definitely
left a smile on my face for the rest of the walk.
Next there was an older French gentlemen curious about an apartment in a
building I was walking out of. I answered as many questions as I could but I
had to tell him that I don't actually live here, I was just dropping off the
owner's dog. He asked me what I was doing in the city and I bitter-sweetly
responded, "trying to be an actress". His apartment frustration
vanished as he smiled a huge smile and stated, "What a beautiful girl, I
cannot wait to see you in the movies. Your movie will be my favorite
movie." I guess it's just a little bizarre to experience this degree of
kindness from a city full of selfishness and aggression. Lifting me up like
this didn't benefit themselves at all, but simply made my day a little lighter
and my dream a little more believable.
It's easy to get bitter and angry as an actor when you feel like what
you've always dreamed to be possible suddenly looks immature and unrealistic.
You doubt your own abilities instead of being inspired by others, you take to
heart the concerned reactions you get when you share that you're a theatre
major, and worst of all you start to resent the experiences and struggles you
have along the way. Really, there is no "along the way", the life you
want to have cant be a destination or your wasting all the inevitable days in
between. This is your life, right now, whether you like it or not. You're an
actor today, it doesn't matter if you're an Oscar winner or you haven't
auditioned for a year.
And although I know I shouldn't rely on others to remind me to have
faith in my dreams, it certainly helps in a crazy city like this. One of my
favorite people visited and said, "Wow, New York certainly is a box of
chocolates." I laughed because I couldn't agree more.
There are days, where its pouring rain outside, and I cant seem to get
control of my endless to-do list and I daydream in my French class about just
dropping everything and running away to Paris. Unfortunately, and fortunately,
even on the worst days New York can offer (and trust me, this city has done
some pretty admirable work) there is some sort of glimmer of hope that will
surface. Whether a sweet European couple, or the Turkish deli downstairs that’s
practically adopted you as family, you’re never alone in this lonely city. And
no matter how many tears you shed, or how severely it seems like your life cant
get worse, its gratitude that makes it okay- yes, this is really hard, but I
get to live a lot of people’s dream. I cant neglect to see what incredible
things I have just because some might hurt along the way.
I guess to live here you just have to put all your chips on Optimism-
because that faith in that everything will work out is sometimes the only
reason to leave your apartment. As an actor, all it takes is one moment, one
single moment of being in the right place, at the right time, in front of the
right person. And honestly, I feel like that applies to most of life's deepest
thrills.
So once again I face the bitter realization that their is no key to
success, it's not some twelve-step program you can do to get yourself famous.
All you can really control is you.
So when the day comes, where I am potentially in the right place at the
right time, I can be that right person. And if I’m not that day, then to keep
faith in my work, and to keep making myself better (whether that means revising
point of views and tactics in a monologue or sitting blissfully getting a
mani/pedi depends on the day). Training hard is not something I have ever
struggled with, in fact pushing myself too hard is probably something I could
list in the “Special Skills” portion of my resume. So I think the goal for
right now is to take care of myself a little more. It sounds so narcissistic
but I feel like most of us are in an abusive relationship with ourselves. A
weird concept, but hear me out- if you body was a separate entity, lets make it
a child, would you treat it the way you do? I push my body into physical
situations where it fails me because I don’t let it sleep, I don’t let it rest,
I certainly don’t nourish it properly, but then I get mad at it when it doesn’t
do what I want it to. Not to mention, I only critique it and never reward it
for helping me out all day. I would NEVER treat another person like this,
so why am I treating me like this? I’m sure most of the world is in the same
boat, besides a handful of heiresses and health junkies. So I need to start
looking at the relationship with my body as more of a give and take, not just
take, take, take… be thankful for all it does for me and reward it, with a few
extra hours of sleep or maybe a facial? Its all in the little things.
The only way to survive this world is to find your own bliss. Whether
its for five minutes on the subway while you sip your earl-grey, or running
away to Paris for a while. A crack of a smile can turn even the darkest of days
to something palatable. During one of my most stressful mornings I ran into the
deli, soaking wet from yet another New York storm and dying for a much-needed
coffee, when one of the Turkish gentlemen said "Good morning! The sun
doesn't shine too much outside but it's because we have the sunshine right
here, don't lose your sunshine it's so nice to see!" I laughed because I
certainly wasn’t feeling the sunshine that day. But either he was just being
sweet or he could since my little glimmer of optimism. I proud of the fact no
matter what life throws I still have that. And I hope you have that, whomever
you are. A tiny bit of optimism can go a long way, whether you believe that
things will always turn around or maybe just that good or bad everything happens
for a reason.
So I hope you have a nice summer of taking care of yourself, because
everyone needs a little love now and again. Find your little blisses and find
your optimism. That’s the goal. Then anything bad that happens can be dealt
with accordingly, but at least you’ll know how to feel love and how to be happy
when you need it the most. Good luck out there.
Until next time,
Madison
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