A Break of Silence

Unfortunately, sometimes it takes tragedy to strike to remind us how incredibly lucky we are.

I have not posted in this blog for while not because of negligence, but simply because I was taught "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  And as hard as it may be to believe, my beloved, glamorous ideal of New York City was shattered, and I was a little too shook up and bitter to say anything nice about it. Months later, as I finally start to find my footing, I can happily recognize how blessed I am no matter how difficult the day may be.

Moral of the story, New York is hard. Really freaking hard as a matter of fact. When it rains you don't run into your lover like in Breakfast at Tiffany's, but you're usually dog walking and now have to pick up soggy poop. When you return home to your Central Park West apartment, the door man doesn't smile and hand you your mail, but you have five flights of dirty stairs waiting to be climbed. And when you have a free minute, it's not spent in Bendel's picking out a new handbag or seeing a Broadway show, but instead cramming homework and running to the 24 hour Staples for materials for acting class. I don't wear heels but instead sneakers, I'm not seen in Kate Spade, but instead yoga pants for class, and I'm never on stage, I'm in training.

Not the chic New York life one would imagine huh? But that doesn't mean I'm unhappy either. There's an incredible feeling knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. It might be hard, and I might occasionally get bitter that I'm writing yet another term paper instead of my Oscar speech, but one step at a time I suppose.

To catch you up on how my life unravelled here. I found an apartment, happy nestled on the Upper West Side (surprisingly on Central Park West)- and how we managed that is still a little beyond me. My roommates are neither Elora or Nyna, circumstances sent all our paths different ways but I wish them the best. Instead I live with Laura, a recent NYU grad from North Carolina, and now Julianna, an FIT student from South Hampton. The girls are lovely, we all share a strong love of sweets and even stronger lack of attention span. I work as a dog walker, sometimes walking 6-8 large dogs at a time (yes, I'm that person from the movies) but I adore my job. It's kind of my doggie therapy on the weekends. Although I am consistently covered in dog hair and some sort of canine fluids, it has its perks- really amazing bosses, free Starbucks, outdoor exercise, famous clients, and endless puppy love.

I still attend NYU, and I'm always challenged to the utmost degree in every way possible. My acting studio tears any emotional walls I have down to force me to find truth and pushes me to face whatever scares me (usually failure) head on. General education classes provide an environment where I am thoroughly inspired by the insight and intellect of my peers around me, I can only hope to become as well-versed and cultured as they are. It's a completely humbling experience, because here I have never had the feeling that I am the best or even one of the best. But instead I just have to work my hardest to keep my head above water. In the beginning, and even for the months that followed, I was waiting for Tisch to be the right decision, merely hoping that I had made the right choice to transfer, but I now realize that isn't something I can wait for. It instead is a goal I actively pursue everyday. This university, and this city, is a place of endless opportunity- it's just not handed to me on a silver platter like it used to be. I was spoiled before, and now I have to fight tooth and nail for what I want, and I just might get it.

They say gratitude turns what we have into enough, and I couldn't agree more. As I constantly made mistakes, burned bridges, fell on my face, and was continually trampled by the city, I started to resent my big move. 

But life is about silver linings and little things.

I know New York is the right place for me right now, it's giving me the backbone I was lacking and providing me the exercise I needed to strengthen my passion. It's the place of endless inspiration and exploration. I might miss home, almost every second of every day, but what baby bird doesn't? Here I know, no matter how hard the day may be, I go home stronger and better.

I'm lucky, so so incredibly lucky. And embarrassingly enough it took a family devastation to make me see that. It's so easy to get caught up it little tragedies like feeling fat in a dressing room, or blowing an audition, or getting a bad grade on a final, but why do we weigh ourselves down like that? I have the greatest family in world, friends whom are always willing to pick me up and dust me off when I fall, and I just have this amazing feeling I am at the brink of something great.

No one said this was going to be easy, but they said it would be worth it. I can't lose faith in that. 

So sitting on a train from Boston back into Manhattan, I now have a restored sense of strength to keep working. I don't feel like I am lacking anything, but instead passionately grateful for everything life has given me. I think that's where bitterness stems from most of the time, and people should take a minute to reexamine all the blessings that they have. So sorry for the lack of communication, I will make it a new goal to update this more often than once every few months.

I hope you all know how close I hold our bonds, whatever they may be, to my heart. Studio teaches me life is all about moments of contact, and one can never take those moments for granted because you'll never know how many you have left. So thank you. 

Until next time,

Madison