Unfortunately, sometimes it takes tragedy to strike to remind us how
incredibly lucky we are.
I have not posted in this blog for while not because of negligence, but
simply because I was taught "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't
say anything at all". And as hard as it may be to believe, my
beloved, glamorous ideal of New York City was shattered, and I was a little too
shook up and bitter to say anything nice about it. Months later, as I finally
start to find my footing, I can happily recognize how blessed I am no matter
how difficult the day may be.
Moral of the story, New York is hard. Really freaking hard as a matter
of fact. When it rains you don't run into your lover like in Breakfast at
Tiffany's, but you're usually dog walking and now have to pick up soggy poop.
When you return home to your Central Park West apartment, the door man doesn't
smile and hand you your mail, but you have five flights of dirty stairs waiting
to be climbed. And when you have a free minute, it's not spent in Bendel's
picking out a new handbag or seeing a Broadway show, but instead cramming
homework and running to the 24 hour Staples for materials for acting class. I
don't wear heels but instead sneakers, I'm not seen in Kate Spade, but instead
yoga pants for class, and I'm never on stage, I'm in training.
Not the chic New York life one would imagine huh? But that doesn't mean
I'm unhappy either. There's an incredible feeling knowing that you are exactly
where you are supposed to be. It might be hard, and I might occasionally get
bitter that I'm writing yet another term paper instead of my Oscar speech, but
one step at a time I suppose.
To catch you up on how my life unravelled here. I found an apartment,
happy nestled on the Upper West Side (surprisingly on Central Park West)- and
how we managed that is still a little beyond me. My roommates are neither Elora
or Nyna, circumstances sent all our paths different ways but I wish them the
best. Instead I live with Laura, a recent NYU grad from North Carolina, and now
Julianna, an FIT student from South Hampton. The girls are lovely, we all share
a strong love of sweets and even stronger lack of attention span. I work as a
dog walker, sometimes walking 6-8 large dogs at a time (yes, I'm that person
from the movies) but I adore my job. It's kind of my doggie therapy on the
weekends. Although I am consistently covered in dog hair and some sort of
canine fluids, it has its perks- really amazing bosses, free Starbucks, outdoor
exercise, famous clients, and endless puppy love.
I still attend NYU, and I'm always challenged to the utmost degree in
every way possible. My acting studio tears any emotional walls I have down to
force me to find truth and pushes me to face whatever scares me (usually
failure) head on. General education classes provide an environment where I am
thoroughly inspired by the insight and intellect of my peers around me, I can
only hope to become as well-versed and cultured as they are. It's a completely
humbling experience, because here I have never had the feeling that I am the
best or even one of the best. But instead I just have to work my hardest to
keep my head above water. In the beginning, and even for the months that
followed, I was waiting for Tisch to be the right decision, merely hoping that
I had made the right choice to transfer, but I now realize that isn't something
I can wait for. It instead is a goal I actively pursue everyday. This
university, and this city, is a place of endless opportunity- it's just not
handed to me on a silver platter like it used to be. I was spoiled before, and
now I have to fight tooth and nail for what I want, and I just might get it.
They say gratitude turns what we have into enough, and I couldn't agree
more. As I constantly made mistakes, burned bridges, fell on my face, and
was continually trampled by the city, I started to resent my big move.
But life is about silver linings and little things.
I know New York is the right place for me right now, it's giving me the
backbone I was lacking and providing me the exercise I needed to strengthen my
passion. It's the place of endless inspiration and exploration. I might miss
home, almost every second of every day, but what baby bird doesn't? Here I know,
no matter how hard the day may be, I go home stronger and better.
I'm lucky, so so incredibly lucky. And embarrassingly enough it took a
family devastation to make me see that. It's so easy to get caught up it little
tragedies like feeling fat in a dressing room, or blowing an audition, or
getting a bad grade on a final, but why do we weigh ourselves down like that? I
have the greatest family in world, friends whom are always willing to pick me
up and dust me off when I fall, and I just have this amazing feeling I am at
the brink of something great.
No one said this was going to be easy, but they said it would be worth
it. I can't lose faith in that.
So sitting on a train from Boston back into Manhattan, I now have a
restored sense of strength to keep working. I don't feel like I am lacking
anything, but instead passionately grateful for everything life has given me. I
think that's where bitterness stems from most of the time, and people should
take a minute to reexamine all the blessings that they have. So sorry for the
lack of communication, I will make it a new goal to update this more often than
once every few months.
I hope you all know how close I hold our bonds, whatever they may be, to
my heart. Studio teaches me life is all about moments of contact, and one can
never take those moments for granted because you'll never know how many you
have left. So thank you.
Until next time,
Madison
